ThirtySomething and Single: Thoughts for ThirtySomethings

Being ThirtySomething is rapidly becoming the crux age for many of us. It's the time when we have matured and have woken up one morning to understand finally who we are and what we are about. We generally have some idea of direction at this age and it is a time for choices and crossroads. Life may have begun at 40 in times gone by but these days your 30th birthday is the age to sit up and take note. It is a time for reflection and self analysis, for checking how we are doing with our ambitions, and coming to terms with the fact that we are passing into a more mature age group - like it or not. I am not suggesting that becoming 30 means getting older or changing our lives but there are few of us who doubt it is not a time when we start to think - think a lot.

Now dating is heavily related to this ThirtySomethings age group because now that careers have been sorted out and a salary is coming in regularly it has dawned on us that we better get a partner to share some of these things with. For women, it may be a time when children become dauntingly high on their list of priorities and the hunt is on for a suitable parent and father. It may not yet be a time for frantic panic but its not far away. We will not get steadily older and whilst some of us will get better with age, most of us start to look a little ragged round the edges so we need to secure the best dating options whilst we still can

Being ThirtySomething means having more time and money to date properly, to make decisive choices about who, where and what you want to date and to learn from past dating mistakes. By now most of us will have at least on important relationships in the bag though some of us will not yet have fallen in love. We have strong friendships and plenty of shared practical experience in the ways of the heart. But all is not well, dating as you get older becomes increasingly frustrating and tiring. Your base levels for a perfect match have increased and you are becoming increasingly selective. You are tired of meeting jerks and timewasters and people who simply don't match with you, people out for sex and anything they can get.

The other major thing to add is that dating for ThirtySomethings is higher risk. Time is moving on, you don't want to waste more years in another failed relationship so you become determined to get it right so you become more cautious and careful. You are aware of divorce law, so you are also aware that you can meet the wrong person and they could take half of what you worked so hard to achieve. You have become cautious in your old age.

Dating fatigue has set in if you have been single for some time and you feel increasingly frustrated that you will not meet the right person. There is a tiny dread in the back of your mind that it may not be possible to meet Mr. or Miss Right because just maybe they don't exist. Increasingly you may come across unparalleled shallowness, in both sexes. Men can lose their hair in their thirties and women can age in different ways. Suddenly you won't do because you are thin on top or maybe your bosom isn't as pert as it was 10 years ago. You discover that that search for a soul mate may well be bull and that if you are George Clooney or Jennifer Aniston you will always do nicely.

The next issue to hit ThirtySomethings when dating is where to date. In your twenties you were are trance and rave clubs until 3am, or in bars with friends dancing until all hours and still able to be fresh in the office for 8.30am. Now you are 35, it isn't so easy to burn the candle at both ends. You need your sleep, you may not feel comfortable in places surrounded by people a decade younger so you may seek out solace in newer places. It is true that the cafe bar society has grown out of a wealthy ThirtySomething dating society and we can be thankful, but places to date are still not as easy to come by. It seems that clubs for ThirtySomethings are a little forced, and too directed to in your face dating. In other words, subtlety of the dating ritual has been lost, you are being checked out from the moment you enter the room.

Another issue that crops up with dating and ThirtySomethings is the age group we should date. Should we go for younger people, let us say aged 25 upwards, or maybe we like the more mature man or woman, let us say over 40. This really is an issue. It is an issue if we are still wanting children. In our thirties the people we may meet could already have a child or be separated or divorced and don't want another child. Or they may be actively seeking to have a child. If you are a woman you may be looking for a man who will make a good father. If you are a man you may be looking for a woman of child bearing age and therefore may not consider a woman over 40. This is the dilemma. Age starts to become a factor. It is possible you will feel you don't have much in common with someone aged 21 but do find them attractive, on the other hand you may find yourself drawn to the more mature aspects of an older man or woman. You can go in both directions at this age as you straddle the age gap.

The people we meet of our own age gap now have stories to tell, they may have baggage or they may have lost of baggage. We all have some kind of emotional dross we carry with us but in this age group it becomes very relevant. Do we want to meet people who already have a child by someone else, could we cope with children who aren't ours? There are a great many people on the rebound who have just spent years in relationships that didn't end. They could have had a 12 year marriage and be 31 and divorced and vowing never to get married again. Therefore, the people we meet as ThirtySomethings are far more complex than before.

The purpose of this article is not to provide answers but to acknowledge that being ThirtySomething is a very difficult age for dating and to recognize some of the factors that we are all sharing. I for one am 37 and never married so I know this subject well. We will carry on dating with renewed optimism but let us not forget that there are millions of people just like us, all looking for our perfect partner whilst coping with the issues stated.

Quick Dating Tips for Keeping the Momentum In Relationships

Once you have started dating regularly you will need to think about keeping the momentum going. It is all too easy to allow your dating to run out of steam too early and watch your date lose interest in you. It is also the case that you can easily lose interest in them too. This happens because most often there is too much given and received too soon. People sometimes get bored and go after a new thrill, others suddenly lose interest for no apparent reason leaving you high and dry.

1. Dating is about fun and enjoying the company of your new romantic interest. The first and primary thing you must do is keep this element of fun high. So keep your dates amusing and interesting and do many varied and creative things, whatever the weather. This should never stop.

2. Do not give of yourself too much too soon. You must remain your enigma factor and an element of mystery to retain your date's interest. Therefore don't always explain everything and don't tell your entire life story too early on.

3. Keep your main life going and remain as busy and as routine as possible. A busy person is an interesting person and whilst you should not play games with your date, you do not suddenly need to start explaining everywhere you go and everything you do. The more they wonder about you the more they will want to know you.

4. Keep sex out of reach for a while in the early stages until you are practically wanting to rip each other's clothes off. Whilst this desire is at it's most intense so will your relationship grow. Ultimately sex brings a special closeness between two people but it should not necessarily be immediate. Many is the guy or girl who has lost someone for being too forthcoming too soon.

5. Retain your independence for nothing has changed. Whilst you may well soon fall in love, your friends are still there as are your nights out and your independent socializing. When things often go wrong it is because you have isolated yourself from your normal life too quickly and too soon. I advocate that you should always be able to bring something unique back to your relationship and to do this you must keep your independent interests to a degree.

6. Plan things together and communicate about the future. Have common goals and learn to work as a team to make some of these goals occur. I don't mean big things like buying a house together but the first step will be vacations for building that solid foundation.

7. Learn to laugh together a lot and keep laughing. Humor is the one factor beyond all others that seems to stray from relationships. It is both your responsibilities to keep things fun and entertaining so think up as many things as possible and start straight away.

8. Spend time together. It sounds obvious but it is amazing how many relationships drift simply because people don't put the time in. Work is just work. If this is your big romance it should start to take priority. Money most certainly isn't everything but quality time is. You will strengthen your bond if you put each other first as frequently as possible.

9. Communicate with each other. People seem to forget how to talk once they have started dating. It is as if you think you have said enough already. Well communication and eye contact and letting each other know how you feel, both good and bad, which will make all the difference as to whether you survive as a couple.

10. Listen to your partner and feel her/his needs. Listening is greatly underrated and should be practiced by everyone. People tell you things in the most unspoken or subtle of was. By listening to the person you love, you will see how you can keep things alive and alight.

11. Be spontaneous. There is nothing more boring than routine. Every little thing helps from planning a surprise weekend to turning up from work with flowers. It is your responsibility to be spontaneous every day so get into the habit, however long you have been dating.

Being Single: It's Not All Fun and Games

Being single means different things to each of us. For some it is a way of life. For a small minority, it is the way we always will be. For most of us, its is a constant battle with optimism. Hope springs eternal they say. We weren't designed to spend our lives alone. For the solitary monk it may be a life of dedication but for us mere mortals, its is a state of being that we hope is temporary.

Being single is not easy. It means first of all that we are daily responsible for every decision we make. We can't share decision making because there is no one close enough to share things with. We trust our friends but we will not have formed as close a bond as we do in a long term personal relationship. Therefore it us up to us to decide what we do each day, whether we go to work, what we will have for dinner, where we will go at a weekend, what we do on vacation and where and how we socialize.

When we get home in an evening there isn't anyone there (which is why so often we have cats and dogs) to welcome us. We prepare dinner alone (or don't bother), run a bath, take a shower and generally live a solitary existence punctuated by our social life and friends as well as work routine. One of the primary issues about being single is not being able to discuss things on our mind when we want to. In social circles we can to an extent and we may call up friends on the phone but this lacks the deeper understanding and compassion we receive from a close partner in a relationship.

We like to play ideas off each other, discuss, talk, think aloud and have pillow talk about the future. All of this is missing when single. Occasional dates or romantic encounters may provide passing closeness but in effect we remain single still. There is something interesting on the TV, but we won't chat about that until we are at work. We have an ailment that worries us, who do we discuss that with? There is an issue with a person at work, what should we do. Friends and family play their part but they don't fill that singleness we are likely to feel.

Cooking for one is a painful experience. What is the point of cooking a nice meal if there is no one to share it with. There is a great movie but we will watch it alone. We need to go shopping and get something new for the apartment but we are going to have to do without the fun of deciding together. Then of course there is sex. Sex-for-one is well known to most singles but its generally not what we were designed for.

Close relationships offer companionship, understanding, empathy, friendship as well as love and romance and without them, we are pretty much left to our own devices to fill that void. When we are younger there is so much to focus on that it may not be such an issue but as we get older we begin to discover that visiting the wonders of the world alone is deeply dissatisfactory.

Being single is a heightened sense because our society emphasizes couples. From meals for two in the grocery store, to paying for single supplements in hotels; much is set against the single person. Why do we pay extra for a single bed when on vacation? The we have our friends who are in couples which does much to heighten our sense of singledom. Dinner parties mean we are excluded due to not having a partner, or we are matched up with some geek we have little in common with by friends desperate to pair us off.

Adult society in the West is made up of approximately 33% single people and this is increasing at a remarkable rate. Admittedly in many areas of the service industry, singles are being seen as a new market and opportunities to cash in on single life are steadily coming into the market place. But again it emphasis a state of play we may not wish to be reminded of. When we set off outdoors on a weekend we will encounter many many couples along the way and we find ourselves wondering what it is about them that got them together when we are total treasures that no one appears to discover?

Therefore being single means being optimistic. It means keeping positive in the face of adversity. That adversity manifests itself through the thought in the back of our heads that whispers 'what if..'. What if we meet someone tomorrow, what if we spend out lives alone and never meet anyone again, what ever we never fall in love, what if no one actually likes us, what if we were meant to remain single. And it is this whispering that we fight to keep at bay daily by fighting to remain optimistic.

Optimism comes from the general knowledge that most of us will meet someone, we will find Mr. or Miss Right soon enough. But as we get older, we start to worry, even start to silently panic. If we are to meet our perfect match it has to happen before we are too old. We would like it to happen whilst we are still young enough. And as anyone in their 30's appreciates, as we get older , so time speeds up. In our twenties, time seemed endless. But as the wrinkles in the corner of our eyes demonstrates, one day we wake up and we are older, much older. And we are still single.

Being single is to an extent a triumph,. It means we have avoided the disappointment of dating disasters, wrong choices, and loneliness within a terrible relationship. It means we still have our own choices and our own sense of direction. We have the full sense of self determination and control over destiny. But at the same time it wears us down. It may be hard to admit, but the vast majority of us don't like being single. In fact we hate it.

We hate it because we don't get to share. We don't get to make happen the sharp image in our head of the perfect relationship we know is possible with the right partner. We have a never ending well of 'giving' that so far has been ignored. We want to give and we want to please. We wish to love and we want that opportunity. We are ready and willing but we are not allowed. Its almost like being in an isolation cell in prison. Being single heightens our sense of the need to give and it heightens the sense of frustration accordingly.

Being single isn't a cornfield full of casual sex, boozy nights, general lack of responsibility and carefree existence over the age of 25. Its a burden that many of us carry. Through failed relationships we have built up a mental list of the things we will never accept again in a relationship and at the same time it provokes and overpowering explanation of what we really do hope for. Being single isn't about choices, it is about circumstances. We know that had we been a certain place, had a certain life, then we probably wouldn't be single. But where we find ourselves today means that we are. Well we are for the time being.

By dating we keep our hopes alive. We realize that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. And whilst the most recent suitor may not have been the one for us, at least we are heading in the right direction. And that's how many of us cope with being single. We do everything we can to keep our hopes alive. We convince ourselves that being single is by choice and that we are just waiting to meet the right one. And that's true, that's exactly what we are doing. But the 'what if' whispers away. Our body clocks may tick louder, our hair may thin, but we KNOW we will get there in the end. We hope.

Being single means living with a sense of frustration that little else can match. We don't have the answers as to why we are alone. We even ask 'why me?' This isn't how we have envisaged our lives, this isn't how we saw our future. So why has it happened? What went wrong. Where did we go wrong? Where are all the nice guys and girls. Maybe they have all been snapped up. Maybe there simply aren't any and we are fooling ourselves. Then we remind ourselves of the few examples of great friends in great relationships and this provides us with the temporary proof we need. And then we begin to question ourselves further. We may even question our own judgment, wondered if we have missed our best opportunity to be in a good relationship. Maybe we are simply too choosey? Maybe it really is all our fault. But of course it isn't.

When vacations and national holidays and Christmas or Thanksgiving come along, then we are reminded heavily just what being single feels like. On Valentine's day we are also reminded that we are yet again this year solitary creatures. However this year will be different. We feel it. We have our sights set one on or two potentials and who knows where things may lead. Who knows, by Christmas we could be engaged.

Married people often think the grass is greener on the other side. People in bad relationships dream of the freedom of being single. I have been told many times that I don't know how lucky I am to be single. The next time someone says that to me, I will go over and stick my finger in their eye and remind myself indeed how lucky I am that I decided to do that..all by myself.

Dating Etiquette and Rules to Follow

When you begin dating, you must recognize that there are some major rules of thumb to follow that will help you be successful with others. When I write these kind of lists I often feel like I am a teacher restating the basics; but the truth is we all forget from time to time. Dating is about two people coming together to see whether they are compatible and then enjoying each other's company so that they may move towards forming a close bond. In doing so there are things that you should remember.

• Dating should always be fun and it is as much your responsibility to ensure it is. When you are dating ensure that you do everything you can to make the meeting enjoyable.
• Eye contact is crucial when dating so it is good etiquette to provide as much attention as possible to your date. They should feel that they are the only person in the room. If you use the date as an excuse for general partying you failed.
• You will be courteous and complimentary. Your date has made an effort for you and your personal opinions are not welcome at this stage.
• As a man you must never talk to a woman's breasts. They hate it. Being appreciated for her feminine charms is one thing, but talking to her breasts is down right rude and is not acceptable, so hold her gaze throughout.
• You will always turn up for a date unless you have given enough time for it to be canceled. Standing someone up is not acceptable adult behavior, and shows contempt for your prospective date by wasting their time. This kind of arrogance is detestable.
• You will always turn up on time and not keep your date waiting. If the transport is unreliable set off in good time. Being punctual shows respect for your date and illustrates how organized you are.
• You will not be flash or extravagant. These are the domain of the classless rich who impress with their wealth. It shows no taste whatsoever to throw your credit card about and entertain with champagne unless you are simply after cheap thrills.
• Smoking and drinking copious amounts on dates are no good unless the love of both is shared by both parties. Smoking in a restaurant will do nothing for your image and shows crass disregard for others.
• You will not be opinionated or arrogant on a date and you will try to avoid discussions on politics and religion in the early stages. You may be very opinionated on certain topics and maybe for good reason but that does not mean you are right. You will come across badly to your date of you act like this. Arrogance makes most people feel uncomfortable so avoid at all costs.
• You will never argue or be rude to others on a date, it simply is not acceptable. You are trying to show your good side so arguing over service charge or whether the wine is chilled enough will make you look a fool. Arguing with a waiter is a huge no-no.
• You will be a listener and not talk your date to death, particularly if you are male. Listening shows interest and the ability to compromise. If your idea of a date is talking about yourself and your opinions all night then do the world a favor and stay at home alone.
• You will make an effort to dress well. In this day and age there is absolutely no excuse to look bad. Poor dress sense shows laziness and will do nothing to promote you. Furthermore it shows a lack of respect for your date who has made an effort.
• You will make an effort to be fresh and smell good. I cannot believe I have to mention hygiene to men (and the odd woman !) so frequently. You should be shaven, bathed and smell very good. It costs nothing except a bottle of good quality cologne and some shower gel.
• You will never swear and use uncouth language as you will come across as an idiot. Leave street talk to later. If you want to find the girl of your dreams, then treat her with respect. Women are able to use strong language in more effective subtle ways but even so, leave it on the first date if possible.
• Never ever will you discuss your ex dates or how many people you have slept with. This is the domain of enigma. As a man, you will not be encouraged to discuss sex however hard she tries to provoke you. Ignore this message at your peril as I know what I am talking about. The longer you sustain the mystery the better your chances.
• If you don't like your date then don't be quick to give them a hard time. They are human beings like you and they deserve always to be treated with respect. You can and will have a good time with someone you are not attracted to, so treating someone badly because they are not your type is not acceptable behavior. Rudeness is not allowed.
• You will never tell lies on a date either to get someone into bed or to promote yourself because you WILL get found out. Maybe not now but probably when it is too late. Tell the truth or avoid a subject if necessary.
• As a man you will pay the bill on the first date without question and you will not discuss money openly at this stage. Money discussions are crass and lack sophistication.
• You will ensure your date feels comfortable at all times and encourage their feelings of comfort if you detect any signals of being uncomfortable. You will also ensure that your date gets home safely in a cab etc.
• You will never try and sleep with your date on the first occasion but any method. Sex comes later my friend, no arguments. If you do sleep with them on the first date, the chances are it is over before it began.
• You will make sure you are as entertaining and witty as possible and will not reply on alcohol to see you through. Getting wasted on a date shows no respect whatsoever and makes a mockery of the whole situation.
• You will call when you promise to call and not keep someone hanging on. If you don't like your date then don't falsely promise anything or leave the door open. Again this shows a great disrespect for your date if you do. Waiting for the phone to ring has long term repercussions.

And finally, you will NEVER date and pretend to be single when you are not. The line to your companion late in the evening "well I am kind of seeing someone" makes me personally seethe. Go dating when you are single and not until.

The Class Factor - Meeting People with Class When Dating

When dating, there are certain people I have encountered who always stand out. It is not those who were the most visually stunning or those who were the most flash, it was simply those few people who exuded class. Men can have class, women can have class. But what do I mean? Well, by class I mean a level of sophistication, education, intelligence and breeding that makes them stand out from the crowd. Now get this straight. Class has nothing (zero) to do with wealth. Its has everything to do with knowing how to act and how to have a level of style and sophistication that most people are too lazy to carry off.

If as a woman, someone held the door open for me, got my chair, and knew about wines and food and could converse well on a wide range of subjects I would be impressed and see them as having class. You may not have two cents to rub together but if you are thoughtful and intelligent, caring and well read, you may have class. Class has nothing to do with what you wear although your class will show through the way you wear your clothes. I will give you an example: In Bali a male friend on walking up to a temple, immediately pulled out a well crafted silk sarong. He had read the need to keep covered in Indonesian temple and his research and preparation shoed his class in this situation.

An angry man shouting at a waiter on a date shows no class at all and should be avoided. It may be the style of people of some great cities to be bullish and aggressive and rude, particularly in restaurants but this kind of behavior shows no class at all and speaks volumes about they lack of knowledge of how to treat fellow humans. A person with class will not be rude but will be gracious and polite. A person with true class will know when it is necessary to make a point and can be firm without ever raising their voice. I know so many girls who have been outraged by their date making a complete display of himself by having to be rude and arrogant to a waiter to demonstrate their power. It is sad, it is fruitless and such men will deserve to remain single.

The problem with modern generations is that we have seen a dumbing down of society and as this has happened so stupidity is applauded and intelligence ignored. Whilst James Bond may still be a screen idol, his level of sophistication is seen in very few. It is almost as if class is only available to the wealthy few. This is not true. Women with class tend to be subtle and understated as do men. Women will tend not to be ostentatious though they will be educated and informed with specific tastes in anything and everything. You can test out people by simply asking their opinions on things. Ask them what is their favorite Picasso composition, ask them what they think of this years authors or even current events. Class will show through in informed reasoning and sparkling conversation. With class comes wit and observation.

People with class know how to treat you well but more importantly know how to make you the center of attention whilst you are together. An old friend used to spend hours in a restaurant whilst her date eyed up every woman who entered the building. She put up with it for a time but the man had no class. Yes I have had some dates where the gaze remains focused on me, where I am listened to intently, reasoned with, debated with and made to feel special and fascinating. That is a date with class.

So where do you find people who have class? Does it mean hanging around academic and literary circles or art galleries? Not at all. First of all let us be clear. Your type of date may simply not be this kind of person at all. If getting recklessly drunk in your local bar with the girl of your dreams is your thing then that is perfect. If you simply like sharing Dunkin' donuts and coffee, that is perfect too. You will find a person with class by sticking to those who will treat you well. When dating make sure you look to find someone who matches you in intelligence and interests. Date people who know how to treat you well and ensure you are made to feel special. Date people who behave impeccably and make you feel like you are walking on air.

No one has to put up with second best in their lives so wanting to meet someone with class is not out of the question. Simply make a list of the qualities that you would like in someone and then ensure that you primarily date those who are able to fulfill those promises.

If someone has class, you want to be with them. You feel good to be with them and you feel good about yourself. You feel like your world has opened up and that there are millions of new possibilities. You feel you can learn form them and they can learn from you.

Here is a list of things that I found in my special dates who did have class that you may want to look for to.

• They are intelligent and witty

• They listen and are very interested

• They are quietly confident about their own abilities

• They are well dressed but understated

• They are well-travelled or had studied hard

• They are conscientious and polite

• They are well-read and have wide interests

• They know who they are and have ambitions

• They are never rude or arrogant

• They ensure you are the focus of attention

• They ensure you always feel comfortable

• They are always considerate

• They are relaxed and extremely easy to chat with

• They make you feel good just to be with them

• They are a person of the people

• They never discuss their money and belongings

• They are never loud and ostentatious

If you get some of the following when you are with a date then you may have found someone who does have class. Remember, class has nothing to do with riches and wealth and is really about manners and breeding and how people treat others, including you.

Meeting the Parents: Stressful Occasions

Okay so you have met the love of your life. You have been safely cocooned in your love nest and things have been going fabulously. You guys are getting pretty serious and its time to take things to the next level due to inquisitive phone calls from keenly interested parents. Lets face it, you are dreading it. Your private life is about to be held open to scrutiny by people you know to be scrupulously honest. This is dangerous territory dear reader.

The first danger is that your parents could confirm something you have already thought of but discounted. You know that they have a lazy eye but you don't need it bringing up over tea and biscuits. Now we certainly don't need a good time ruining so we hope that we are wrong. The next is that parents have high expectations and standards for their offspring and the person you are about to drag through their pristine front door is about to be interrogated like a war criminal. Woe betide them if they fail the interview as it can leave you feeling isolated. On the other hand its possible your parents could simply be embarrassing by pulling out photo albums of the time when you had Mumps aged 3.

Friendly parents are lovely and you will always feel far worse as the offspring than the love of your life who has never met them before because you are fearing the embarrassment factor. They are not. If your new love is flirtatious you can be driven up the wall by their over friendly behavior and your mom or dad taking a shine to them. There again you must also take into consideration the awkwardness that could ensue due to parental excesses and eccentricities. You may have grown used to your father's liking from swinging from the branches of a tree in the garden but your date may be somewhat shocked.

Of course before any first meeting there is always that amazing briefing you get in the car on the way. Parents of course never live round the corner, but usually about 30 miles+ away. On the way you will explain about all the little foibles and eccentricities, things to watch out for, apologies in advance. Things to say and things not to say etc. My favorite was when I dated an Italian girl. I visited Florence to visit and had to formally ask her father permission to escort her after 10.30pm at night. I was ushered into his study where I appeared to have encountered Marlon Brando from the Godfather. Unfortunately he spoke no English. I had to spend 3 hours in there and we used sign language. He enjoyed my silly efforts and granted permission!

Then again you may be the visiting lover who is being introduce din which case you are either going to be not good enough for daddy's little princess of mommy's little soldier. Its a fact. Well that's what you feel on the way and play repeatedly though various scenarios that could develop. What happens if the toilet won't flush, what happens if I accidentally break a Ming vase or start cursing uncontrollably for absolutely no reason. And so the stress levels mount accordingly.

Usually when we get introduced to parents they are really looking forward to meeting us as long as we aren't the 20th that month. Parents simply want their children to be happy in life and love and as long as their prospective partners are nice then that's fine. Or so you think. Remember that at the back of the mind is the thought that you could end up being one of the family and who exactly will be paying for the wedding anyway! So it pays to make a real effort and be conscientious on this occasion.

If you mess things up you can be jeopardizing your own relationship so try and be on form, take a small gift with you and have your wits about you and your sense of humor switched up high. Is meeting the parents really that important? yes it can be, it depends on many factors like closeness of family and age etc. But in the end we all seek some kind of acceptance for our newly-chosen partner, we want to be told we have made a very good choice. And who better to do it than the people closest. A necessary hurdle that you must leap.

Things to Remember on a first visit:

• Be polite and show respect

• Don't have a hangover from the night before

• Don't ever refer to sex and your partner

• Don't ask if you can sleep together at their house

• Take small gift with you that has been researched

• Refer to the parents formally unless invited otherwise

• Do not drink alcohol unless invited

• Never attempt to smoke, even in the garden or yard

• Never refuse food and drink. Accept graciously

• Do show humor and character but not too much

• Do think through some basic questions they may ask

• Do not be evasive about your work or career

• Dress well and look presentable

• Avoid any form of bad language

• Think of the entire situation as a small interview

Dating Fatigue: Tired of Dating

The fact is, we all get tired of it - dating. I do and maybe you do too. Yes its true, we get tired of trying to meet people we like. We go through hell on earth to meet someone, elicit their details, spend ages and ages chatting, emailing, messaging, writing, phoning and then we go dating. And then we go dating again. And it comes to nothing. And ultimately dating fatigue sets in. We singles know this feeling and yet it is rarely discussed and even less written about. The fact is, being single is hard work and it wears us out.

I know that some of you reading this will have despaired from time to time, thinking that your perfect person is never to be found whilst also hoping secretly that they are hiding just round the corner. After a number of dates you wonder if it is worth it. Emotionally drained, high hopes, low results and you think, "it can't only be me", surely! Yes you are right, you are suffering from dating fatigue but it isn't only you. We all feel it.

Why? Well we make a mental list and then try and reduce it. A mental list of the things we want our partner to be, the qualities and attributes we would like them to have. Maybe this comes from having our fingers burned, maybe from downright experience. The fact is, we all have our list and we need that list. Mr. Right will just not be Mr. Right without us checking first. When we find that the people we date don't really match up to our mental perception of what we want after beginning so optimistic, we feel drained of it. We need to recharge our batteries before rejoining the dating battle.

And this cycle continues, time and time again. There are a few yes, who are very lucky indeed and they will probably not be reading this, but for most of us we need to take a methodical approach. We are on a life campaign to find someone to love, so expect to get tired, expect to feel let down occasionally and pace yourself. Don't go on 20 dates a week thinking Mr. Perfect is waiting in the next singles bar. He may be, but he probably won't be. Instead, concentrate on quality rather than quantity.

To avoid dating fatigue decide on what we want, who we want and when we want - it. Do you build yourself up in anticipation before each date and lead yourself into an emotional crisis, or do you keep a cool clear head and wait to be pleasantly surprised? Do you have just one or two high quality dates a month with true potential partners or do you go out with every available person you meet. I suspect the latter will certainly bring on dating fatigue. But oddly, so will the former. You see, high quality dates are as draining and possibly a bigger let down than anything. To be faced with true potential and then to watch it fade away over a Merlot is soul destroying and many of us have felt that. The fact is , there is no easy answer concerning dating regularity. They will both wear you down.

The single factor that crops up more than anything in giving us dating fatigue lays deep within communication issues. By that, I mean lying. People tell lies, they tell us what we want to hear, they pretend to be something they aren't and they avoid the truth about things they shouldn't. Not everyone does that, but a great many do. Its because many people don't feel happy about themselves, they want to be something larger than life, they want to impress and in doing so, they exclude themselves from dating success. We realize we are not being told the truth, we acknowledge the original potential but its too late. The date is over.

A friend of mine told me recently that there was no point in dating me because in truth I wasn't their ideal and they were now solely focusing on finding that perfect partner. I admire them for their honesty and their focused dating regime. It kind of lacks romance but I respect dedication to the cause.

I think that the way we all should deal with dating fatigue is simple: take some time off, like holiday if you like. Go do something completely different, begin a new sport or hobby and enjoy the important simple pleasures in life and stop thinking about Mr. Right. And in doing so - well you may be pleasantly surprised who you meet. Oh and your batteries will be recharged too.

Fear of Dating: Conquer Your Dating Fears

More than anything else, fear when dating will get you off to a bad start. Your date can sense that you are scared a mile away. It shows, it comes across and it is hard to disguise. Fear makes the person on the receiving end feel unattractive and unsteady. It makes them not want to be in this situation with you and you will find that rejection comes quickly. It is a viscous circle because the reason often why you will feel fear is because you fear rejection.

Fear of rejection is debilitating. It prevents you from functioning properly. It affects your movements and speech and most certainly prevents you from displaying the glorious aspects of your relaxed character. You are uptight so you can't talk fluently, your words come out all wrong, you don't come across properly. In some circumstances I have seen people come across as aggressive merely because they were frightened of being rejected.

We want to be loved, we want to be liked, we want to attract, we want to be popular and we want to succeed in the things we try. But something inside us tells us in advance of our actions that we are going to fail. The girl we approach won't like us and she will reject our advances so we are not sure why we will try, but we will. The problem with this approach is that your fear shows through already, so its not you who is allowing you to be rejected, but that your fear of rejection is in itself causing the rejection to happen.

What is lacking here my friends is confidence. If your confidence levels are up - you are on form. You are interesting as well as interested. You are smiling and you can take a joke. You can approach and have fun and make light of any situation. In turn this makes the person you have approached feel relaxed in your company and able to judge how your character truly comes across. If you make someone laugh, you have them interested already. If you are frightened you will cease up.

Now I know how fear of rejection can be because I have felt this way. I see a beautiful girl and she is waiting to be approached. She has caught my eye and she appears receptive. However, I would either not approach or if I did it would take me so long that the moment had passed and she could already tell that I was scared. In a previous article I spelled it out for guys, one of the most attractive qualities in a man is confidence. You cannot become confident overnight and using drugs and alcohol to assist is a huge mistake. What you can do is look at how you can change things you don't like about yourself to increase your confidence levels.

You may fear rejection because you have been rejected so many times already. In which case you are already scared. Well it is true that dating is a numbers game and that eventually someone will say yes, but then perhaps you are introducing yourself to the wrong type of girls in the wrong way. If you use chat-up lines, stop instantly and start being more natural.

Interestingly there is a recent report in the London Times* relating to a study by the Social Issues Research center in Oxford as to why men get their approach wrong so often and mistake the signals women give out which may assist in dealing with the fear of rejection. Men often mistake the signs of friendliness from a woman as an overture for something else when this is not what is actually happening. If you are scared of being rejected yet again after making a pass at a woman there may be a very good reason. Women appear to be sending out very subtle but misleading flirtatious signals known as "proteans".

The man will read this "proteans" as flirtatious signals giving him the green light to act. However the woman is in fact assessing and working out whether you are a suitable mate or not. All potential suitors are interrogated through these signals in the same way. When you first meet a prospective date she will bombard you for the first few minutes with many confusing protean signals (named after the Greek river god Proteus who was able to change his form to evade enemies !). These ambiguous signals confuse the man allowing women to gain the upper hand by finding out what the man is truly like very quickly. Because of this, it is hardly surprising therefore that men become confused and consequently face rejection.

The most surprising outcome from the study was that in two-thirds of cases, the opening flirtatious gambit was initiated by the woman , most likely through a flirtatious gaze, repeated to attract your attention. It goes to prove therefore what I always believed, in that when you enter the room the woman has already decided whether you area good candidate or not, even if you are led to believe it was all your idea. Men appear to make the approach but it is in fact the woman using very very subtle techniques.

This survey and general information on this subject is significant because it helps us understand and combat our fear of rejection. Women in modern society are able and willing to make the move for partners they like. Women are not wallflowers. If we are to readily accept findings like those above then we should consider that we are being tested in our initial approach and that it is clear fear will make us fail from the outset. So its critical that you deal with your confidence levels in advance of an approach.

What is also important to add is that we have heard it said that women hate to be ignored and can find a man more attractive initially if men are not fawning all over them. This must be highly linked to these protean signals. The woman is checking you out as a potential mate but you are not reciprocating. If you are not displaying fear, but nonchalance or disinterest, this may confuse the woman and increase her interest in you. We can categorize this behavior as a game, and it most certainly is a game of courtship yes.

Fear in dating has to be dealt with, it will not assist you in meeting the person of your dreams. It is almost always linked to how you view yourself in terms of looks and skills and almost all of these issues can be dealt with. If you increase your confidence levels and then combine this with a sensible approach to who you approach then your success rate in the initial approach will soar. If you combine this with pre-armed knowledge that you will be bombarded with confusing signals you can decide that rejection is all part of the natural dating game and isn't so serious after all. Have fun and don't fear.

Top Dating Regrets About Past Dates

I decided to take a survey of good friends and find out what kind of regrets people had when dating. Regrets took on many different forms in their varied answers but I thought it was interesting to ask because it often highlights dating issues we often forget to mention. As with many of my surveys, the results are haphazard but are useful in pointing out that we are not alone in the mistakes that occur in our dating lives.

Here follows are a mind boggling catalogue of dating disasters that we should bear in mind as lessons learned.

1, In top spot - dating a married person. Man or woman, it makes no difference. In every version the story was the same, dating a married person was a complete disaster. Not withstanding the lies, deceit, regret, cheating and false promises, on NO occasion did anyone I asked have a good outcome for their married affairs. This was one good example of how to waste your years waiting for someone who will never leave; sharing your loved one with someone else and spending thousands of dollars on stolen moments and brief weekends where you were not the only person on their mind. Avoid like the plague unless you want to lose all the dignity you ever had.

2. Amazingly not marrying your childhood sweetheart was number 2. It appears there are a lot of people who have spent years wishing they had married the person of their dreams when they had the chance. Unfortunately this often tends to be your childhood sweetheart or first love at college. At the time you are too young and there are too many other fish in the sea. In later years you have used them as a bench mark of the minimal level of romance required for potential partners and never quite match it. This leads to a feeling of making do with second best. In turn you start hankering for the girl or boy from all those years ago.

3. Not asking someone out on a date when the offer was there. This is a biggie because we are dealing with the eternal niggling "what if.." question. This tends to come out as a regret at a time when other things are not going well and you find yourself fantasizing. What if you had asked him out. What if you had said yes to that date. What if you had got married and had children. It seems that not asking someone out can leave a long term legacy. Just look at the popularity of reunion sites on the Internet just now.

4. Not ending a bad relationship earlier. Yes lot of us listed this one. There are many of us who have entered into a relationship willingly only to discover to our cost that the relationship wasn't all it could be. Whilst the door was only over there we chose for many a reason not to walk out of it. Whilst perhaps a worthy concept in itself it does none of us a service. The fact is, too many of us have stayed in long term relationships that were not good for ourselves and our partners. If only we had had the courage at the time.

5. Dating the wrong person for the wrong reasons. Maybe for sex, for appearance, for contacts, for business reasons or even out of sympathy. It appears that there are plenty of people out there who have dated people for the wrong reasons and lived to regret it. This has to be balanced against hindsight. Looking back it is obvious which people we perhaps should never have dated but there are plenty of us who dated the wrong person at the time and knew we were doing it. No excuse.

6. Putting your career first and waiting too long. Oh yes, this is a modern classic. Our current society has a problem in that a third of all adults are now single - and growing. The most commonly sited reason is that we put our career first, especially through out 20's and then begin seriously dating in our 30's when we feel ready. The problem is that we are not as young as we were, not as attractive as when we were 21 in many cases, our body clocks are ticking at a deafening volume and all the best catches have been snapped up. A great many of us appear to be wishing we had sorted out our love lives earlier. Be warned.

7. Leaving someone you were in love with. I don't have the answers but it cropped up quite a few times in my survey and could be tied in with point 2. People in love have left and seem to struggle to find an explanation. All too often the decision was regretted very quickly only to find that the rejected partner had closed and bolted the door and you were never going to be allowed back. Infidelity is the primary cause, or more to the point, getting caught. If you love someone stay with them faithfully appears to be the lesson here.

8. Not being the nice person you could have been. Treating someone badly in a relationship always comes back to haunt you if you are the guilty party, however empowering it may have felt at the time. As we grow older we list mentally those we could have been nicer too and I am amazed how many of us confess we could have been nicer people to our lovers. I am not talking about physical violence though we all accept that it does exist within our society. No I simply mean being courteous, kind, remembering birthdays and anniversaries, buying flowers, compromising, going on holidays and being romantic and spontaneous. We live and learn and later regret is clearly the message.

9. Dumping someone in a callous and bad way. I have done it and I have had it done to me and I regret both happening. When young it was easy to love and leave and I never thought anything of it. As I grew older I had it done to me by someone I loved and it broke my heart. I don't think we every do get over being left in a bad way - no explanation, no reasons given. One day it's fine, the next day you're gone. Dumping via email, texting or phone should be made cardinal sins and it appears from my survey that many of us regret doing just that.

First Loves. Our Past Haunts Us Still

Are we searching for Miss or Mr. Right or have we already met them before? Did your Mr. Right once exist in your former life? Were they childhood sweethearts?

First love isn’t a new topic but I realized that first love is an emotionally potent one. With this in mind I realized that first love must have a much greater effect on the way we handle our lives that we perhaps want to admit. Until we first fall in love we are in effect emotional virgins. True romance has yet to touch us. We assume we know a great deal about life already and we assume we feel the same way that everyone else does, but we do not. Only those who have been in love that first time know the world has far more to it than meets the eye. Like death of an adult or parent or someone we love we can never be prepared and first love for many of us is a happy experience tinged with lifelong sadness and oddly, an element of grief. Because unless we marry our childhood sweetheart, our very first Mr. Right and live happily ever after, most of us will go on from our first love to be single again and learn from the experience.

I am not speaking here of first dates, first kiss or first sex. I am speaking earnestly about one’s first true love, the person you first fall madly in love with and cannot live without. It could be a childhood sweetheart but it doesn't have to be. Childhood sweethearts have a huge influence though and mustn't be underestimated in the legacy they leave. However I accept here that child hood sweetheart is too specific. Personally speaking, I was always kind of jealous of those who had childhood sweethearts as that was how it was supposed to be.

First love is the first time we learn to deal with pangs of angst, stomach churning adoration, lust, love, anxiety, salty tears that know no end. It’s the first time you learn what a deep communication with another person out-with your immediate family can be like on both a spiritual and physical level. You cannot live without them, you feel alive like never before, you exist wholly for another human being. It is fantastic, it is unbelievable, it’s the best thing in the world and it becomes your life, she becomes your life, he becomes your life. And it ends. In an instant the best thing that ever happened to you …stops.

I may overplay this scenario and of course it doesn’t happen to everyone, but amazingly, most of us have had some kind of experience like this. If we haven’t then we will so be warned. I say this because this may just be the thing that governs who we are. For many of us, our first great love occurs sometime between 16 to 21 years of age when we are still young and fresh and optimistic and ready for life. In that moment we are most open to experience and we are also at our most vulnerable. In this moment we may love like we may never love again, at least for quite a while.

During that time of first true love we open up ourselves to everything that love can bring us, elation, defeat, passion, sincerity, communication and contact, all on levels we had never experienced before. Our minds store away every small detail as part of our vertical new learning in love and romance and we cannot get enough. But the issue is that it gets taken away. It may be we are making a wise decision, maybe it is we who decides too much too young. It may not be our choice and our eternally loved partner walks away leaving us with life long questions that may never be answered. But whatever happens and however the end of our first love occurs, it will and does leave a legacy whether we like it or not.

Okay I hear you ask, what legacy, or is my legacy the same as your legacy? Well no, we are all different. First love in many people often leaves us with lifelong happy memories that are tied in with other close friends, with college and school, with times and places and particularly summers. For others, first love is a series of memories of regret, bad decisions and choices from which they have learned and become stronger hopefully. For everyone who has grown older with the legacy of a first love, future dating decisions are often too closely related to that first true love experience.

The first legacy is often physical. We want to recapture the feelings of being with our first love, our childhood sweethearts, our Mr. Right or Miss Right, and the easiest way for our brains to do that is to find someone who looks like them. How often have you seen a friend partner with someone who looks like their first love. Amazingly when I thought about this, there were quite a few people I knew who were dating the image of their childhood sweethearts. So we find comfort in being with someone who resembles our first love.

Next, we find that we are left with a legacy of the need to recreate a sense of love we have had time to heighten. What this really means is that if we have already experienced true love once, we want it again. Not a little, but the same or more even, just like the first time. Secretly, we crave it. Now this is a serious legacy from our past romance because what this really means is that we may not be satisfied by many relationships that come our way afterwards. Every time we date we want it to be like the first time, full of new experience, full of innocent love, with no preconditions. Yes we already now have preconditions because we have learned from our first love. We have set a base line for the presence of love.

Next this means that we will be tough in our romantic and dating decisions. Subconsciously we relate our first love to the perfect feeling of being in love and as such we crave it. We need and want love and that overwhelming wave of romance to be as powerful and magical as it was the first time and if it doesn’t come and come quickly, then the person we date will be penalized for this. We won’t want to date people who appear to be dissimilar to the person who showed us love, we avoid selecting people who don’t show such heightened potential in the early days of meeting. In other words, new dates are not reaching a perilously high love base line we have set and it may be that no one can. We want to date our childhood sweethearts a second time.

Next, the first love legacy means that we may punish those from who we don’t receive the same amazing love feelings by letting them go and continuing our search. In the end it can mean that we have set our sights so high that finding comparable love and happiness becomes difficult. Date after date we are looking for something we cannot find. I often here people say, “I don’t know what it is I am searching for but it’s inside me but I just can’t find it but I will know it when I see (feel) it”. In other words, they know what love feels like and want it again, but until it comes instantly they won’t accept, “I will not make do”, they say. And dating becomes difficult.

Of course what we forget is that our first love, our Mr. Right, is probably now some years older, a different person, maybe even looks different. That moment has gone now. It has been lost in time, and only lives on inside of us. I think it can be a good thing if we control it and let it be part of us but not take over. It governs some of the choices of who we are and who we wish to date, it guides and helps us in some ways because it clarifies what we know allows us to be happy. Even better is that it reminds us that true love can and does exist but that we are on a search to find it once again. To find true love in first love is an amazing thing and many say that to find that twice in a lifetime is impossible.

I disagree, I think as long as we accept that we must not try and recreate our first love, we are simply clear minded healthy people who know what we are about and are wise in knowing the experience of love, both good and bad. We should remember not to let this affect the potential of future even more powerful relationships than any that came before. Your Mr. Right, is somewhere waiting, just don't let him be the one in the past.

To Kiss and be Kissed - Get your Kisses Right for Dating

Kissing is not such a clear-cut subject as you may think. It depends where you are sitting when reading this article. For many countries in Asia for example kissing is a private affair that almost never happens in public. I remember a Filipino guy I worked with in Singapore who was completely amazed to the point of hysteria that two men were seen kissing in public on the London tube. He simply couldn't deal with that concept at all. I have lived in Asia for a while and it was very rare the whole time I was there to meet indigenous people who kissed openly. Indeed in Thailand it was far more common to rub noses than to ever touch lips.

Kissing is a sexual act to some degree and some societies simply do not view kissing as appropriate behavior in public. Even in the UK , overt kissing in public is often frowned upon by older members of the public, even if as a youngster its perfectly natural. Then again on a summer evening in Rome, or a city park in Paris, I would expect to see couples of every age group kissing passionately as the most natural thing in the world. It all depends on where you are you see.

In western society kissing is a pretty normal mainstream pastime and rather lovely at that. The problem occurs when we start dating and are not sure when we should kiss and to what extent. The crux appears to be that we want our first kiss with someone we like to be prefect. If we begin dating and we don't kiss its unsettling, but if we are French Kissing (openmouthed) on day 1 the romance can dissolve too quickly. So it is a matter of waiting.

There is no definite here but it is pretty much accepted that on a first date, if it goes well then you should offer or accept a small kiss on the cheek and nothing more. This will occur when you go your separate ways and says that a basic level of attraction has been built up. The desire may be to kiss the lips off your date but hold back if you can. Anticipation is the mother of desire.

Of course by your second date, if you are both displaying all the signs of attraction then it won't take long before you are kissing more passionately but again it depends on the situation, culture and person you are with. Find the right place and wait as long as you cam I was dating a girl in Hong Kong and waited two weeks , seeing her 4 times a week, before we kissed properly. Believe me the kiss was worth the wait because it happened at the top of the mountain above Hong Kong called The Peak set against the lightening of an electric storm. An electric kiss it surely was and totally memorable for all the right reasons.

One thing that amazes me even now is how many people can't kiss. What I mean by that is that there are some people out there for who kissing means the oral Olympics. Having your tonsils pinned against the back of your throat by a tongue hardened like a javelin is not pleasant. The other issue seems to be people who purse their lips and make their mouth very hard when kissing. Kissing is a soft, delicate and sensual pastime savored slowly. Follow the lips of your partner and take things slowly and gently, allowing lips to brush and move so much so that they hardly touch. Kissing should make you shiver. Concentrate on the delicate corners of the mouth which are extremely sensitive and generally let the force guide you. As many woman will tell a man, kissing can be undertaken for hours and many women prefer kissing to anything else. It can be extremely sensual and sexual so don't ignore the technique.

I remember a date once telling me that she could never kiss passionately until she was sure the man was in love with her. She felt that 'proper' kissing was so explicit that it was inextricably linked to sex. If she began to kiss properly she wanted to go to bed. This tell us that kissing on dates means different things to different people. Don't expect too much at first, a kiss to some people means a great deal more to some than it may to you.

Sometimes dates will be shy and require encouragement to kiss so once you have had a few dates do take the initiative if you feel your date is being a little too shy and requires cajoling. The problem with that though is that many men are convinced they have misread the signals and dare not try and kiss in case they are wrong. This in turn can lead to a man appearing as lacking in confidence which can be critically bad. Take it from me guys, if you are on your third or fourth date and you haven't kissed but you are getting on great you may be better taking some small initiative.

Guys should also remember that kissing does not automatically lead to any other physical contact for some time, so be patient and take things slowly.

• Make sure you know how to kiss

• Ensure your hygiene is spot on

• Carry some gum if you need to freshen up

• Floss regularly

• Remember to kiss gently and sensitively

• Wait until you are ready to kiss and choose your moment

• Allow the passion of kissing to build up slowly

• Remember that a first kiss should be memorable

• take the initiative if your partner is shy

• Learn the key body signals that demonstrate conclusively that your date wants to be kissed

• Remember that good kissing can be as sensual as sex

• Appreciate that some people do not liked to be kissed in public